I have ashamedly realized recently that I've tried to "box her in", will her to be like those well-mannered, obeying, easy-breezy kids I see whose moms surely have it all together. They just give "the look" and BAM, perfect children. I've been frustrated with my inability to get her to just "do what I tell you already". I've essentially tried to change her. Inadvertently but nonetheless... I have just recently started to see her for who she truly is...that would not be a laid-back, pleasing, pliable child. She is strong-willed, smart, defiant, witty, independent...she will not back down. She will question, challenge and rarely humor you. I sometimes just plain don't know what to do with her. I find myself endlessly frustrated and dejected at my own parenting skills and inability to reign her in.
Then, as I was marching in her room to spank her a few weeks ago...which we hadn't previously done often but nothing seemed to be effective (and we have ruuuun the gamut...I mean, RUN.IT.) and several well-intentioned friends thought that may "wake her up". I am not opposed to spanking, let me be clear. I think it can be useful tool and Lord knows I was raised in a spanking household...ok maybe I'm a bad example...;) I am, however, opposed to increasing the aggression because you don't see the efficacy of what you're doing. Maddie did not respond to spanking. It didn't change the behavior and only increased my anxiety about creating an unnecessary fear with no results. So, I instead walked in her room and we talked. That's right...we chatted. I was yelled out, spanked out...just out.of.options. We talked calmly about her behavior, the results I expected, how to avoid future conflicts and low and behold, it kinda worked. I'm not saying I don't always talk to her but I sometimes don't credit her enough with how intelligent she is. She comprehends much more than I realize and she's extremely empathetic to making me upset and wants to do well and make the right choices. She just has no impulse control. No filter. WHERE does this come from?? ;) As adults we have the luxury of gaining maturity and perspective...my FOUR year old is me with NONE of that. Eeeek. So we talked. We reasoned. We hugged and reminded each other how much we love one another. So sweet. So peaceful. More importantly so effective.
She is all of those things I mentioned above....which I now realize is exactly everything I hoped my little girl would be. She's just a little...more. And in the more is where my learning and grace happens. I now know I can't, won't and don't want to change her. It is about learning to let her be all the wonderful things she is while teaching her respect, control and good decision making. She is everything I could ever ask for....even with the more. Especially with the more.
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