Mom guilt....does it ever end?!

I've been thinking about stuff lately. I know, super definitive (perhaps I should put a disclaimer on all of my posts, "ADHD infused mambo-jumbo to follow"?). Being 40 makes you way introspective and analytical about life thus far and it's kind of annoying. NO, it's totally annoying.

One of the many topics me and the voices in my head have been having is about being a working mom. There is much {heated} debate on the matter and my feeling is, it's none of my biz what other people do or why they do it. I just know I have to do what I have to do and lately, it's bothering me.

Let me clarify....working does not bother me. I have worked since I was 15 with babysitting for a couple of years before that. I have been at my current job on and off for over 20 years. I love what I do, I love the people I work with and I love contributing financially to our household. Maddie's in school and Gavin has two amazing ladies that take care of him. I work until two at an office that understands I may be a few minutes late or have to leave early for a Doctor's appointment, etc. I have, what I feel is an ideal situation. I am still the "primary" caregiver, I spend the most time with them. I have time to make dinner, play, do the routines of the day....it really is "perfect". But....

I have moments....like the past couple of days where I really resent working. My baby is sick. Feverishly, puking, pitifully sick. He just wants his Mamma. I called in yesterday, which in a small office is a real pain for the one other employee to deal with. Garret happened to be off work today for Rosh Hashanah so, I cradled him until it was time for me to go. He looks up at me, woefully, and begins to cry weakly. This kills me on every level. I have to let him go, even if it is to the other person in the  world that loves him as much as I do and will do everything in his power to make sure he is well taken care of but, I feel sick. He  wants his Mamma and likewise, she wants to cradle him. All day. Like yesterday. But, I have to go instead and care for other people. People who often don't care for themselves or appreciate that I've walked away from my own family to do what I do for them. It makes me resentful some days. Like today. I envy those moms, those whom I FULLY believe and understand have the harder of the two scenarios in my humble opinion, but don't have to call in reinforcements, worry about upsetting the boss or feel that pang of guilt walking out the door. I won't get into the zillions of things THEY have to deal with but man what I wouldn't give to have the option to cancel whatever plans I have to just be present in those situations. Being a mom is my first and most important job but being a working mom makes it hard to be all I hope to be as a parent. I almost always feel I am not able to be as good as I can in either situation. Either I'm being a kick-ass, Pinterest project, three course dinner cooking, engaged Mom or I'm employee of the year. Never both.

So...I cried the whole way to work. I cried because he needed me, because I had somewhere else to be, because I don't know how to make it work financially NOT to work, because I didn't choose a more financially lucrative career path, because I didn't save better before I had children....the list and guilt goes on and on and on and....and I believe it does for us all, working or not.

The worst part is, I have no solution to this dilemma. Normally, I don't get this upset. Maybe being 40 also makes your hormones wonky. I guess I'll chalk up today as a tearful, crappy one and tomorrow will be better. Unless he's still sick. I'll bring the tissues to be safe.

All about Gavin!

So I realized the blog is a bit "Maddie heavy" lately. She just seems to have so much going on! So, I thought Gavin needed some attention (and don't mistake blog time for real time, that kid is spoiled! with attention!). 

Not much to report...he's just kinda doin' his thang. Being cute and wild. He destroys the house, has some (thankfully minor!) injury every other day cause he's nuts and is just generally flippin' adorable! He's really starting to talk quite a bit. He repeats everything (note to self) and is currently obsessing over Elmo and all things Sesame Street. That's about it. He rocks and I adore him and all his cuteness!!

This smile though.....

We recently dog-sat for our friends and the kids were OBSESSED, especially Gavin. He decided actually being "one" with the dog was gonna be his approach, so he crawled on all fours, ate his food and slept in his bed. Weirdo.

I'm admittedly not a dog person, but this little guy is so sweet and a good dog! Still not getting one though...cleaning the fish tanks every week is all the extra work I need at the moment. Don't tell Maddie, she's convinced Santa is bringing her one. Um, no.

It was also Grandparents' Day this past weekend, we generally keep it low key, just an excuse to be together.! We had them all over, made a little craft (handprint "hugs") and had a yummy dinner (chili!). It was fun! Our kiddos are blessed with some awesome people in their lives....and so are we! They do so much for us and I am so grateful our babies are so loved and cared for, not only by us but our families as well. 

If it's not one thing....

...It's another. WHY, when children go to school, is it like their immune systems refuse to work?? I should be grateful we aren't sick that often but it seems like something, all the time lately! I should basically just hand the pediatrician my paycheck every week. Oy. The newest condition? Asthma for the Madster. She had bronchitis a few weeks ago and coughed incessantly for ever afterwards! She wasn't sleeping well and just sounded like a 90 year old smoker! After the third trip to the Ped, I was starting to think something else was up, although I never guessed asthma (no wheezing or shortness of breath??). But, that was, in fact, the diagnosis. So we have this fancy contraption and it is helping. Poor kiddo. She thinks it's cool, of course. Gotta love her...she's one tough cookie, takes a lot to keep her down! Hopefully this is something she grows out of (the doc said they often do), so until then, breathe easy kiddo!