Maddie's first smile!!!

Yesterday, Maddie smiled at me. Not "I'm gassy mommy", but "I love you mommy"...THAT kind of smile. We were having a conversation about nothing in particular. I think I was telling her how beautiful and perfect she is (yes, my child will be an ego-maniac by the time she's one) in my sing-song baby talking voice and she flashed her gums at me while looking in my eyes. It may have been the most heartwarming moment of my life. When a baby is so tiny, the routine feels very impersonal. Feed the baby, change the baby, burp the baby....but no real interaction takes place in those first weeks...at least not on her part. This was an actual response to me loving her, encouraging her...it was a moment I will never forget. Of course I bragged incessantly to daddy who promptly got offended that he was not the recipient of the first official smile. I reminded him that he will be the first man she will fall in love with and will likely say "da-da" first as it is easier than "ma-ma". I think I appeased him for the time being. Hopefully many more smiles are to follow!

UPDATE: Shortly after I wrote this, Garret got a smile too! He told Madeline, "You just melted Daddy's heart..."

Cousin Hailey visits Florida!

Maddie's cousin Hailey came to Florida all the way from Connecticut last week! Hailey is 8 years old and the daughter of my brother Andy and his wife Kathy. She flew all by herself and apparently thought nothing of it...I'm STILL scared to fly alone! She got to meet Maddie for the first time and just loved her. She's very maternal and was great with such a small baby. We all had a great time...lotsa pool and beach excursions (Hailey could barely stand the heat!). We miss her already! Here are some pics...

Maddie's 1 month photo shoot!!

Our beautiful girl....

Sad day.

Two years ago today, my nephew Caleb was diagnosed with Leukemia. He had just turned four when he passed away. It was a mere 10 months from diagnosis to death. Our family is still grieving from his untimely passing. He was the sunshine of our family. For such a young child, he had such warmth, light, humor. His imagination and creativity were so beyond his years. I aways thought he would be in some form of the entertainment industry. He dealt with illness much in the way he traveled through life. His medication "pole" that held various meds and attached inconveniently to his IV was dubbed his "robot", making it more tolerable to tote around. The bone marrow running into his veins was "Spidey Juice", making it bearable to deal with the side effects knowing he would be as strong as Spiderman when it was over. He would vomit, wipe his mouth as though finishing a meal and continue to play. He seemed somewhat unaware...or maybe unwilling to accept his illness, even in the most unbearable moments of pain. He was truly an inspiration and I so regret that Maddie will never get the pleasure of knowing her cousin. I have thought alot about my sister and her husband today. Caleb and I were extremely close...I was his Godmother, I was there the day he was born. I was also there the day he died. I have grieved for my own loss, that the amazing boy I loved so much was forever gone. But I am now, as a mother, feeling a profound sadness for my sister. I was never able to be in a place of real understanding of the loss she experienced. Looking at my healthy baby girl, I am now grieving in a whole new way...it seems so unfair. But I know God had a plan when that sweet boy entered this world. Although his death has been devastating, his life has been such a gift. We now value our own lives, the lives of those we love, our health, our children in a way that I don't know we would have were it not for the suffering of the strongest boy I have ever and will ever know. I am committed to making sure Maddie knows she had a cousin and now an angel that will always be looking out for her.

1 month already??!!

Wow...I can't believe my baby is one month old today!! While some sleepless nights and the sound of her wails seem to last an eternity, the past month has passed relatively quickly. So, what have we learned the past four weeks??

1. The most frightening and humbling experience in the world, in my opinion, is when the nurse hands you this tiny, fragile, unknown little human and sends you home with it...no manual.

2. I have never felt so inadequate, guilty and plain stupid as since this child came into my life. There is no amount of research, reading or inquiring that can prepare you for parenthood. I am 34 years old and I feel like child myself, bursting into tears and feeling downright confused.

3. A new baby has no schedule. There is no rhyme or reason to how or why they do things. What worked yesterday, will not work today.

4. Yes, a person CAN survive on 3 hours of sleep a night.

5. No, I still can't distinguish her cries...but I handle it better and have figured out a process-of-elimination strategy, eventually figuring out what she needs.

6. It's true when people say you forget your life before your baby entered it.

7. I have never known love like I do for her. I hate to be away from her, even for a short time. When I pick her up in the morning, after she's been crying for me, I melt when she calms with my kisses.

I look forward to the months ahead...the first time she smiles (not due to gas), her first steps, words. But I also want to enjoy these times, as challenging as they may be. I know someday soon a time will come when she will wriggle out of my arms and become more independent. In my most tired moments, I will remind myself this time is fleeting...breathe and enjoy.

Mountain DON'T!!

So, as you may know, I am breastfeeding. I say this with a tentative pride. I feel good about doing it, but it is a bit of a...let's call it a challenge. First, it is so painful initially, I thought I would lose a valuable part of my womanhood. Second, you have to be so conscientious about everything you put in your mouth. Mind you, pregnancy made me much more aware of my dietary habits, but nursing forces you to be even more careful as you have the little one there in the flesh to remind you. Sooooo....

On Saturday night, we took Maddie for her first outing! We went to the BBQ of a friend of Garret's. I was so tired and unmotivated! I tried to gt out of it, but he really wanted the baby to meet some of his friends and since I'm the cow with the udders, it was necessary I go too. We stopped at the store for drinks on the way. It was a great success. We stayed for three hours, the baby was a hit! Everyone loved her! It ended up being a good time and I was surprisingly awake. When we got home, I fed the baby and layed down to sleep...finally. Two hours later, Maddie wails her usual announcement that she is hungry. After feeding her for twenty minutes, I burp her, change her, rock her a bit...only she is awake. I mean, WIDE awake! Her eyes are like saucers, her little arms and legs are flailing around, she's cooing at me as though we are in conversation. Sounds cute right? TWO AND A HALF HOURS later, she is still wide awake! I have now watched an entire movie while rocking her. This was really unusual..she may take a little bit, but THIS long?! Never...

After convincing myself this was my new fate (and I thought sleep was bad BEFORE??!!), I was venting at my sister's house about my hellacious night. Her mother in law was there and happened to also nurse her kids. She asked the simplest of questions that I was MORTIFIED to answer. "Did you have any caffeine?" she innocently inquired. After a few cuss words went through my brain, I confessed to having a Mountain Dew on the way to and at the BBQ. I was so exhausted, I thought it would perk me up, not thinking my sweet, tiny baby would be wired later!! Duh...I feel like such an idiot! I guess it's true when they say your first baby is nothing but a bunch of mistakes that you learn from. Sorry Maddie!! Mommy knows better now...