One of the many topics me and the voices in my head have been having is about being a working mom. There is much {heated} debate on the matter and my feeling is, it's none of my biz what other people do or why they do it. I just know I have to do what I have to do and lately, it's bothering me.
Let me clarify....working does not bother me. I have worked since I was 15 with babysitting for a couple of years before that. I have been at my current job on and off for over 20 years. I love what I do, I love the people I work with and I love contributing financially to our household. Maddie's in school and Gavin has two amazing ladies that take care of him. I work until two at an office that understands I may be a few minutes late or have to leave early for a Doctor's appointment, etc. I have, what I feel is an ideal situation. I am still the "primary" caregiver, I spend the most time with them. I have time to make dinner, play, do the routines of the day....it really is "perfect". But....
I have moments....like the past couple of days where I really resent working. My baby is sick. Feverishly, puking, pitifully sick. He just wants his Mamma. I called in yesterday, which in a small office is a real pain for the one other employee to deal with. Garret happened to be off work today for Rosh Hashanah so, I cradled him until it was time for me to go. He looks up at me, woefully, and begins to cry weakly. This kills me on every level. I have to let him go, even if it is to the other person in the world that loves him as much as I do and will do everything in his power to make sure he is well taken care of but, I feel sick. He wants his Mamma and likewise, she wants to cradle him. All day. Like yesterday. But, I have to go instead and care for other people. People who often don't care for themselves or appreciate that I've walked away from my own family to do what I do for them. It makes me resentful some days. Like today. I envy those moms, those whom I FULLY believe and understand have the harder of the two scenarios in my humble opinion, but don't have to call in reinforcements, worry about upsetting the boss or feel that pang of guilt walking out the door. I won't get into the zillions of things THEY have to deal with but man what I wouldn't give to have the option to cancel whatever plans I have to just be present in those situations. Being a mom is my first and most important job but being a working mom makes it hard to be all I hope to be as a parent. I almost always feel I am not able to be as good as I can in either situation. Either I'm being a kick-ass, Pinterest project, three course dinner cooking, engaged Mom or I'm employee of the year. Never both.
So...I cried the whole way to work. I cried because he needed me, because I had somewhere else to be, because I don't know how to make it work financially NOT to work, because I didn't choose a more financially lucrative career path, because I didn't save better before I had children....the list and guilt goes on and on and on and....and I believe it does for us all, working or not.
The worst part is, I have no solution to this dilemma. Normally, I don't get this upset. Maybe being 40 also makes your hormones wonky. I guess I'll chalk up today as a tearful, crappy one and tomorrow will be better. Unless he's still sick. I'll bring the tissues to be safe.
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