Honest rambling....

So I read another blog today about honesty. Honesty  for no other reason that creating a safe and real place to connect...in marriage, friendship...any relationship, that with one's self included.

We sacrificially give into other's wants and needs despite our own to keep up appearances, from rocking the proverbial boat. But if we're just trying to keep everyone happy are we being real? Honest? With ourselves? One another? I have always struggled with this. Personal turmoil manifested into a smiling veneer over a broken bag of bones.

Must.Keep.Smiling.

 But I realized I was kind of losing, heck, not really even getting to know, myself. I never considered what I wanted...seemed too selfish. But isn't it equally selfish to do things merely for others' approval? So a few years ago (seems to have coincided with when I became a mother), I started to, in baby steps as years of  people-pleasing is one mother of a challenge to overcome, start to do what I wanted. I started to evaluate my decisions....am I doing this because I want to or it's what I think someone wants me to do or because I need the pat on the back? In my quest to find balance I often went the opposite extreme and became resentful and plain angry at a lot of people in my life. I felt taken for granted, unvalued..

I had to take a look at the role I was creating for myself. A few people seemed to not appreciate my less enthusiastic need to fit in, be at their every whim, kiss their you-know-whats. I still struggle with finding a voice...kinda like the little yelping dog jumping around the big, tough, self-assured bulldog, trying to get him to listen. I can often be too abrasive, in my quest to be heard. I'm still struggling with a happy medium.

Longing for approval is my worst quality. I despise it about myself and I am determined to never allow my children to feel this kind of need for approval. It's something I work at daily. I've had to step back from some people in my life. I've had to say no, or I don't agree with that. I've had to try to find a voice while also listening. Daily. Struggle.

The plus side?? I feel like now when I meet new people, new friends, I am my authentic self (Oh, Oprah how I miss you...). Take me or leave me. I will forever be kind, empathetic and there for a friend in need. I hope the people I care for know this always. But  I have set boundaries and feel a sense of self that I have never known before. It's liberating and I think, healthy. It sure feels better. I'm super indebted to my hubs and the little people for thinking I'm awesome despite my abundant misgivings. The fact that they think I'm great makes me wanna believe it too.

 I love the idea of honesty for honesty's sake. Kindly worded, respectful honesty but honesty nonetheless. We must communicate, honestly or what kind of relationship do we really have?? I hope to continue on an honest path and hope I can create a safe place for others to be honest with me. Seems simple to some and 38 is pretty flippin' old to learn this valuable lesson but hey, I'm forever a work in progress. I hope I never stop learning.