Uuuuggghhhh. I'm having
a day. Actually, I have had two days and this one is not making me feel optimistic about tomorrow. I know, poor me, with all of my abundant blessings...there are starving children in the world, for Pete's sake! But, alas, here I am, with all my moodiness and frustration. Keeping it real because, well, while I strive to always remain frivolous and optimistic here, if nowhere else, this is the reality today.
And yesterday.
And quite possibly tomorrow.
Today I'm just kinda down. Did I mention it's Valentine's Day? It's storming outside....and storming a little inside too. Kids, life is hard. Sometimes we make it harder than it has to be, but it's hard nonetheless. There are disappointments and heartache sprinkled throughout our lives and dealing with them is well, a very individual and often confusing feat. I don't usually write about myself except for how I feel about my children. But if this is to be a journal for them , maybe getting to know me better isn't such a bad idea. But then, maybe I don't want them to see all that's broken in me. They have their own beautiful lives to live and grow in, lets let them do that instead. But a bit of understanding their crazy yet fabulous mother should involve some honesty. I'm not broken but I'm slightly scarred and there is brokenness in me. I'm trying to mother and learn from an imperfect place, and that is...challenging. I don't have the good fortune to be one of those well put-together moms. I wish I were. I'm always trying.
This morning started as they usually do these days: me, physically and mentally incapacitated by my fatigue and Maddie, sassy and defiant about everything from breakfast to what she'll {not} be wearing (which will require a tutu). I alternately consider locking myself in the bathroom to get away from her and how in love I am with her self-awareness and independence. I want to both stifle her will while encouraging her strength. I'm not quite sure how to do this. I'm not sure I ever will. Some days I am bursting at the seams with pride for her and others I feel like a complete failure as her mother.
And then.
I remember... on days like these, the stormy ones, that she is exactly everything I hoped she would be and that, with all of her ability to bring me to the brink of sanity, she is perfect. I love her whole-heartedly. I have memorized every feature on her face, every hair on her head. I know her favorite song, what she hates to eat (um, mostly anything that's not Macaroni and Cheese). I know how to make her laugh and what frustrates her. She endlessly confuses me, but there is nothing that would make me love her less.
I believe God gave me Maddie so that I would greater understand both myself and His love for me. She is my little girl as I am His. This really hit me hard today. As if I didn't already feel like a Mac Truck came into my bedroom last night...
My spiritual journey is still in progress...I've had alot of unanswered questions {not to be confused with unanswered prayers} from the Big Guy Upstairs. My own Demons. But I'm trying....and thankfully, He loves us all, even a broken mess like me. Especially broken messes who come to Him in humility and asking for His grace. Thank...well, Him.So I do that alot these days.
Today, I may have to do it a few times. And I know, as the storm that is their Mother, these kids will always feel my love as God loves us...unconditionally, even with all of our faults and misgivings. Phew. I am beyond grateful we all get the opportunity to ask for forgiveness and start anew.
On the way to school Maddie, from the backseat after an icy silence says meekly (I can tell she knows I am one unhappy camper in that moment, so I soften because well, while I am frustrated with her I am equally dealing with me), "Mommy, I'm sorry." And I cry a little bit so that only God knows. And I tell them both that I'm sorry too.
